wrench13 - Posted - 06/29/2025:  18:10:41

Add your opinion on the List of Hierarchy! But you must also say why and comment on the players. Ease of playing? Intelligence needed to play?


1. Fiddle - Queen of Music! The hardest, most rewarding pastime for man ever created. Players are the creme of Humanity! Fiddlers get a free pass at the Pearly Gates (unless they are Red Sox fans).
. 2 - Mandolin - According to some, cheesy knock off of fiddle, played by wimpy folks who have no hand strength. Low brow types love to play this.
.
.
.
.
.
. 7- Banjo - Mr Craven has taken this slot with his rude but accurate wording!
.
.
. 10 - Concertina - Easily the silliest instrument ever made. Players look like they are having some kind of fit. Concertinas take the intelligence of a squirrel to play and an ice pick in the ears to listen to.
.
.
.
.
. 15 - French horn - So minor an instrument, a loud fart could cover its parts. Players hopeful someone will offer them a gig flipping burgers. Are players actually people or some fungal life

FEEL FREE to add you own!

ChickenMan - Posted - 06/29/2025:  20:31:43

??????In my mind the uilleann pipes are pretty high up there. BUT playing a set requires some kind of gymnastics of both elbows, two and one handed playing and that alone might put it into the comical end of the list . But a slow air teased out by the right players can make me cry more than any other solo instrument.

ChickenMan - Posted - 06/29/2025:  22:27:13

The string of question marks? That is a relic of a misplaced and deleted emoticon (sigh)

wrench13 - Posted - 06/30/2025:  05:45:44

1. Fiddle - Queen of Music! The hardest, most rewarding pastime for man ever created. Players are the creme of Humanity! Fiddlers get a free pass at the Pearly Gates (unless they are Red Sox fans).

1b. Bagpipes -  Bill sez Bane of Scotland gets a pass cuz of difficulty playing.  I say players usually  too drunk to read sheet music!  Skirt-wearing, haggis eating louts! Whats with Scots and bladders, anyway?

. 2 - Mandolin - According to some, cheesy knock off of fiddle, played by wimpy folks who have no hand strength. Low brow types love to play this.

.

.

.

.

.

. 7- Banjo - Mr Craven has taken this slot with his rude but accurate wording!

.

.

. 10 - Concertina - Easily the silliest instrument ever made. Players look like they are having some kind of fit. Concertinas take the intelligence of a squirrel to play and an ice pick in the ears to listen to.

.

.

. 13 - HurdyGurdy - Come on, is this even a real instrument?  Supposedly the real impetus for Nobel to invent dynamite.  Players are locked into historical period when the Black Death was considered socially  amusing, and have matching sense of humor. 

.

. 15 - French horn - So minor an instrument, a loud fart could cover its parts. Players hopeful someone will offer them a gig flipping burgers. Are players actually people or some fungal life



FEEL FREE to add you own!

farmerjones - Posted - 06/30/2025:  05:55:51

All instruments that can only make one note at a time,
take one step back.

NCnotes - Posted - 06/30/2025:  06:59:21

I must object about French Horn! Deep smooth mellow sound, so dignified and regal, and one of my favorite orchestra instruments when I was in orchestra. :-)



To farmerjones' note, I thus must add the Harp towards the top of the hierarchy. So many strings, and so BIG...

Edited by - NCnotes on 06/30/2025 07:00:16

martyjoe - Posted - 06/30/2025:  08:29:50

Didgeridoo. The only music that has a vocabulary!

tonyelder - Posted - 06/30/2025:  09:15:17

...a toothless juice harp player.

ChickenMan - Posted - 06/30/2025:  09:31:10

The pipes I suggested are Irish, played sitting down, none of that marching around nonsense.



Those Scottish Highland noise makers can reside at the bottom of the ocean for being so darned loud.

Edited by - ChickenMan on 06/30/2025 09:32:42

Erockin - Posted - 06/30/2025:  10:38:37

In order as I obtained them...mainly, because I can't change the past.

Percussion 94
Guitar 94
Drums 95
banjo 97
bass 2000
keyboards 2001
mandolin 2007
fiddle 2022 <--saved the best for last!

farmerjones - Posted - 06/30/2025:  13:59:53

Y'all have forced my hand:

Big Mamu with a Kitt'n Kaboodle Sack

Okay. John Hartford spoke about Dave Holt bringing down the Grand 'ol Opry with a paper sack. I saw he done it. 

Then one day I needed a rub board (washboard specifically to be played).

I looked around. I rolled up a 30lb. cat food sack. It's made out of woven tyvek. Has a nice crunchy sound. If it ever wears out, I can get another.

Now, I don't know weather to put this above or below nose flutes?

pete_fiddle - Posted - 06/30/2025:  14:00:48

#1 Trombone they are a hoot!.... Especially in a jam situation...Lol. Just give it a go and you'll see what i mean ha ha

Lonesome Fiddler - Posted - 06/30/2025:  14:45:24

Piano. Sure, if you are only doing unaccompanied tunes in the key of C, melodies like Mary Had A Little Lamb are no problem. But as soon as the left hand starts supplying chords, harmonies, counterpoint, etc., to what the right hand is pecking out, things get complicated. It gets more complicated when you are playing in key signatures that demand that you include several black keys. And, of course, you are often obliged to turn things upside down, giving the left hand the melody and the right hand the back-up tones.



Acoustic pianos make things more complicated still. Suddenly, you have the opportunity to apply different pressures to the various individual piano keys...all to lend the music more personality and emotional depth. Peddles add the opportunity for sustain and for softening the tone. In other words, you're encouraged to use your right foot, as well.



In any case, it all soon takes a heck of a toll on the brain. Or at least on my brain...

Edited by - Lonesome Fiddler on 06/30/2025 14:45:53

wrench13 - Posted - 06/30/2025:  15:43:48

Add your opinion on the List of Hierarchy! But you must also say why and comment on the players. Ease of playing? Intelligence needed to play?





1. Fiddle - Queen of Music! The hardest, most rewarding pastime for man ever created. Players are the creme of Humanity! Fiddlers get a free pass at the Pearly Gates (unless they are Red Sox fans).

1b. Bagpipes -  Bill sez Bane of Scotland gets a pass cuz of difficulty playing.  I say players usually  too drunk to read sheet music!  Skirt-wearing, haggis eating louts! Whats with Scots and bladders, anyway?



. 2 - Mandolin - According to some, cheesy knock off of fiddle, played by wimpy folks who have no hand strength. Low brow types love to play this.

.

.



. 6 - Trombone -  the goofiest instrument. Trombones make up 96% of all stupid comedic cartoon and Foley noises.  WAaahhh WAaahhh.  Players practice by hoisting cheap booze, to build up that right arm.  And develop that goofiness!  

. 7- Banjo - Mr Craven has taken this slot with his rude but accurate wording!

.

.

. 10 - Concertina - Easily the silliest instrument ever made. Players look like they are having some kind of fit. Concertinas take the intelligence of a squirrel to play and an ice pick in the ears to listen to.

.

. 12 - Piano - Really?  My freakin parrot can play piano!  Until the advent of the electronic keyboard, piano players were the neurotic posterchildren of the orchestra, so lonely, tied to that ridiculous piece of furniture.  With keyboards, now everyone can hate them.  Best thing that can be said about pianos - they look good with a vase on them. 

. 13 - HurdyGurdy - Come on, is this even a real instrument?  Supposedly the real impetus for Nobel to invent dynamite.  Players are locked into historical period when the Black Death was considered socially  amusing, and have matching sense of humor. 

. 14 DiggeryDoo - Only the Aussies would have an instrument that you basically fart into - continuously, so I suppose there is SOME skill involved.  For those who can't fart 24/7 there is always #15 !  

. 15 - French horn - So minor an instrument, a loud fart could cover its parts. Players hopeful someone will offer them a gig flipping burgers. Are players actually people or some fungal life.

.

. 1751 - Cat Food Bag - Leave it to the Farmer to come up with an instrument thats actually BETTER then drums!  At least you can cover your head in shame after playing one.  Jonesy, you gotta get out more!  

.  1752 - Drums, percussion etc etc -  scraping the the  bottom of the barrel,  its well known there are more drum/percussion jokes then all others combined.  Literally newborn babies can play drums ( and hold tempo better then most drummers).  For crying out loud, INSECTS keep better time.  An insult to call them musicians (and most don't). 



FEEL FREE to add you own!

---

Edited by - wrench13 on 06/30/2025 15:51:14

DougD - Posted - 06/30/2025:  16:21:27

1. Piano, of course - "The King of Instruments." You can play anything on a piano (if you know how). My first, and still best, instrument. Let's hear you noodleheads play like Earl Hines, or Fats Waller, or Art Tatum, let alone the great classical players. Plus the world of music theory is layed out in front of you on the keyboard.
2. Harp - Another versatile, and even more beautiful instrument. More direct and intimate, since its played with the fingers.
3. French horn - as NCnotes noted, a beautiful sounding instrument, reputedly quite difficult to play.
4. Bassoon - Also difficult to play, not so versatile.
5. Oboe - Maybe a little easier and versatile, but double reeds are hard to manage (and make, which you learn to do).
6. Flute - Beautiful sound, and I think a little tricky on the mouth positioning.
7. Trumpet or cornet - Ever hear Louis Armstrong, or Shaye Cohn?
8. Chemnitzer Concertina - An amazing 19th century invention, capable of astonishing music, like its close relative, the Bandoneon. Bertam Levy, long ago member of the Hollow Rock string band, became a dedicated student of the Bandoneon, and after a small dinner party at his home years ago, mesmerized us with a little concert on his beautiful instrument.
Far down the list would be the folk fiddle. Even a child can play this thing - you just hold the stick thing however you choose, and move it back and forth while wiggling the fingers of your left hand, and presto - "Twinkle, twinkle!"
All for now.

groundhogpeggy - Posted - 06/30/2025:  16:23:52

No one mentioned a hurdy-gurdy, I'd love to have one of those things.  I don't know where it would fit into a heirarchy...I'd put all the string instruments at the top, so, I guess the hurdy gurdy would fit somewhere near the top.

Edited by - groundhogpeggy on 06/30/2025 16:24:36

DougD - Posted - 06/30/2025:  16:44:03

Peggy, I think Al mentioned the Hurdy Gurdy (sort of).
I had deleted this piece, because it doesn't really fit here, but here's a little example of what the Chemnitzer concertina is capable of, even in the hands of a bungling amateur.

Edited by - DougD on 06/30/2025 16:49:00

NCnotes - Posted - 06/30/2025:  17:20:27

#1638 Washtub Bass?

( I gigged on one of these once, haha … we were at Disney and they asked for a volunteer from the audience, and I got picked. My kids thought it was great to see mom up there plonking away! )

PS Thanks for supporting the French horn, Doug!

pete_fiddle - Posted - 06/30/2025:  17:44:14

#1 trombone

#2 jug

#3 Kazoo

#4 Banjo

#5 Lap steel guitar (how else you going to get that tom and jerry whisker pulling sound?)

#6 spoons or bones 

#7 megaphone for vocals

Oh ....And fiddle for the emotive bits

Edited by - pete_fiddle on 06/30/2025 17:53:18

DougD - Posted - 06/30/2025:  18:25:39

I'd deleted this one too, but here's the opening number from a theater show. I'm playing piano. Our inspiration for this number was Hovie Lister and the Statesmen quartet, who were foundational southern Gospel performers.

NCnotes - Posted - 06/30/2025:  18:41:21

Nice tickling of the ivories, Doug!  Are you playing the concertina too?

farmerjones - Posted - 06/30/2025:  18:42:20

Lest we forget egg shakers?
And the popular slogan:"play an egg shaker, go to jail."

doryman - Posted - 06/30/2025:  22:41:47

...and how would the world go 'round without the Limberjack?

NCnotes - Posted - 07/01/2025:  06:14:03

Yes, how could we forget the infamous shaky egg! I would put it below the washtub bass, hmm. 

 

wrench13 - Posted - 07/01/2025:  06:52:04

Add your opinion on the List of Hierarchy! But you must also say why and comment on the players. Ease of playing? Intelligence needed to play?


1. Fiddle - Queen of Music! The hardest, most rewarding pastime for man ever created. Players are the creme of Humanity! Fiddlers get a free pass at the Pearly Gates (unless they are Red Sox fans).

1b. Bagpipes - Bill sez Bane of Scotland gets a pass cuz of difficulty playing. I say players usually too drunk to read sheet music! Skirt-wearing, haggis eating louts! Whats with Scots and bladders, anyway?

. 2 - Mandolin - According to some, cheesy knock off of fiddle, played by wimpy folks who have no hand strength. Low brow types love to play this.
.
.
.
. 6 - Trombone - the goofiest instrument. Trombones make up 96% of all stupid comedic cartoon and Foley noises. WAaahhh WAaahhh. Players practice by hoisting cheap booze, to build up that right arm. And develop that goofiness!
. 7- Banjo - Mr Craven has taken this slot with his rude but accurate wording!
.
. 9 - Bass - Thank God for bass players, or equipment would never get packed up at the end of a gig. While the lead guitar, fiddle and banjo players are all well on their way home, with the paramour de jour, bass players wonder where their life choices went wrong. Players can be spotted by their overdeveloped arm and hand muscles.
. 10 - Concertina - Easily the silliest instrument ever made. Players look like they are having some kind of fit. Concertinas take the intelligence of a squirrel to play and an ice pick in the ears to listen to.
.
. 12 - Piano - Really? My freakin parrot can play piano! Until the advent of the electronic keyboard, piano players were the neurotic posterchildren of the orchestra, so lonely, tied to that ridiculous piece of furniture. With keyboards, now everyone can hate them. Best thing that can be said about pianos - they look good with a vase on them.
. 13 - HurdyGurdy - Come on, is this even a real instrument? Supposedly the real impetus for Nobel to invent dynamite. Players are locked into historical period when the Black Death was considered socially amusing, and have matching sense of humor.
. 14 DiggeryDoo - Only the Aussies would have an instrument that you basically fart into - continuously, so I suppose there is SOME skill involved. For those who can't fart 24/7 there is always #15 !
. 15 - French horn - So minor an instrument, a loud fart could cover its parts. Players hopeful someone will offer them a gig flipping burgers. Are players actually people or some fungal life.
.
.
.
. 936 - Kazoo - The thinking man's fart machine. Instrument of choice for the totally talentless.
.
.
. 1638 - Washtub Bass - created by that particularly grubby group known as bass players, who rarely see soap and water, hence the availability of the tub. Thank Heavens there is only one string on it, more would totally confuse them. Players can be spotted by that one, lone tooth in their heads (Ol' Chomper) and general vacant look in the eyes.
.
.
. 1750 - Shakey Egg - The instrument most often given to jealous wives and husbands, so they can feel like they are musicians too. My cat makes better musc rattling the Kibble&Bits in her food dish. Guiness Book of World Records has a slot open for ANY shakey egg player that gets paid to play. Still open as of 7/1/25.
. 1751 - Cat Food Bag - Leave it to the Farmer to come up with an instrument thats actually BETTER then drums! At least you can cover your head in shame after playing one. Jonesy, you gotta get out more!

. 1752 - Drums, percussion etc etc - scraping the bottom of the barrel, its well known there are more drum/percussion jokes then all others combined. Literally newborn babies can play drums ( and hold tempo better then most drummers). For crying out loud, INSECTS keep better time. An insult to call them musicians (and most don't).

FEEL FREE to add you own!

NCnotes - Posted - 07/01/2025:  09:58:45

LOL - the list is getting longer!

Quincy - Posted - 07/02/2025:  22:37:02

Trumpet: instrument designed for the loud and obnoxious who just don't care. Trumpet players don't care about expressing emotions and they don't care about their neighbours either. Moreover, they don't care for excessive drooling while playing the trumpet or their disgusting habit to let the drool out of their trumpet every now and then. That's to say: IF it's only drool coming out! Intelligence: not required - everything is done with just 3 'pistons' and it basically all depends on your lung capacity.

Edited by - Quincy on 07/02/2025 22:38:38

gapbob - Posted - 07/03/2025:  05:11:14

I heard this years ago:

"It is not very far from playing old-time music to not being able to play at all."

The Violin Beautiful - Posted - 07/03/2025:  09:40:41

Back in the “old days,” Herman Weaver, whenever asked about working on anything other than a violin family instrument, would always say “Sorry, we only work on musical instruments here!”

wrench13 - Posted - 07/03/2025:  10:44:35

List coming along nicely!  

Add your opinion on the List of Hierarchy! But you must also say why and comment on the players. Ease of playing? Intelligence needed to play?





1. Fiddle - Queen of Music! The hardest, most rewarding pastime for man ever created. Players are the creme of Humanity! Fiddlers get a free pass at the Pearly Gates (unless they are Red Sox fans).



1b. Bagpipes - Bill sez Bane of Scotland gets a pass cuz of difficulty playing. I say players usually too drunk to read sheet music! Skirt-wearing, haggis eating louts! Whats with Scots and bladders, anyway?



. 2 - Mandolin - According to some, cheesy knock off of fiddle, played by wimpy folks who have no hand strength. Low brow types love to play this.

.  3 -Guitar - Where would we be without the guitar?  SOMEONE must know the key, right?   Why does every pimply faced prepubescent believe that owning one of these will make their dismal social lives 180 degrees better?  Thank goodness it only has 6 strings, any more and players ears would leak what little brains they have out their ears.  In fact, a device called a CAPO was invented because guitar players are just too stupid to learn the fretboard.  

.

. 5 - Trumpet - instrument designed for the loud and obnoxious who just don't care. Trumpet players don't care about expressing emotions and they don't care about their neighbors either. Moreover, they don't care for excessive drooling while playing the trumpet or their disgusting habit to let the drool out of their trumpet every now and then. That's to say: IF it's only drool coming out! Intelligence: not required - everything is done with just 3 'pistons' and it basically all depends on your lung capacity.

. 6 - Trombone - the goofiest instrument. Trombones make up 96% of all stupid comedic cartoon and Foley noises. WAaahhh WAaahhh. Players practice by hoisting cheap booze, to build up that right arm. And develop that goofiness!

. 7- Banjo - Mr Craven has taken this slot with his rude but accurate wording!

.

. 9 - Bass - Thank God for bass players, or equipment would never get packed up at the end of a gig. While the lead guitar, fiddle and banjo players are all well on their way home, with the paramour de jour, bass players wonder where their life choices went wrong. Players can be spotted by their overdeveloped arm and hand muscles.

. 10 - Concertina - Easily the silliest instrument ever made. Players look like they are having some kind of fit. Concertinas take the intelligence of a squirrel to play and an ice pick in the ears to listen to.

.

. 12 - Piano - Really? My freakin parrot can play piano! Until the advent of the electronic keyboard, piano players were the neurotic posterchildren of the orchestra, so lonely, tied to that ridiculous piece of furniture. With keyboards, now everyone can hate them. Best thing that can be said about pianos - they look good with a vase on them.

. 13 - HurdyGurdy - Come on, is this even a real instrument? Supposedly the real impetus for Nobel to invent dynamite. Players are locked into historical period when the Black Death was considered socially amusing, and have matching sense of humor.

. 14 DiggeryDoo - Only the Aussies would have an instrument that you basically fart into - continuously, so I suppose there is SOME skill involved. For those who can't fart 24/7 there is always #15 !

. 15 - French horn - So minor an instrument, a loud fart could cover its parts. Players hopeful someone will offer them a gig flipping burgers. Are players actually people or some fungal life.

. 16 - Melodica - Only slightly less stigmatizing then the piano,  this one is both noisemaker and respirator in one!  Players soon become cross eyed from trying to see the stupid keyboard, which is good, because it lets the rest of know to sit on the other side of the bus. 

.

.

. 936 - Kazoo - The thinking man's fart machine. Instrument of choice for the totally talentless.

.

.

. 1638 - Washtub Bass - created by that particularly grubby group known as bass players, who rarely see soap and water, hence the availability of the tub. Thank Heavens there is only one string on it, more would totally confuse them. Players can be spotted by that one, lone tooth in their heads (Ol' Chomper) and general vacant look in the eyes.

.

.

. 1750 - Shakey Egg - The instrument most often given to jealous wives and husbands, so they can feel like they are musicians too. My cat makes better music rattling the Kibble&Bits in her food dish. Guiness Book of World Records has a slot open for ANY shakey egg player that gets paid to play. Still open as of 7/1/25.

. 1751 - Cat Food Bag - Leave it to the Farmer to come up with an instrument thats actually BETTER then drums! At least you can cover your head in shame after playing one. Jonesy, you gotta get out more!



. 1752 - Drums, percussion etc etc - scraping the bottom of the barrel, its well known there are more drum/percussion jokes then all others combined. Literally newborn babies can play drums ( and hold tempo better then most drummers). For crying out loud, INSECTS keep better time. An insult to call them musicians (and most don't).



FEEL FREE to add you own!

---

DougD - Posted - 07/03/2025:  11:15:29

One instrument that I haven't enjoyed is the "stumpf fiddle," or maybe it was a "jingling Johnny." We used to play in a club where a local fellow would come up (probably uninvited) and join us for a tune or two on this thing.
I guess this list is meant to be in good fun, but I just have to say that some of the best musicians I've known were drummers, and they often played other instruments well too. Good bass players and drummers are the absolute foundation of many styles of music.

Edited by - DougD on 07/03/2025 11:26:57

groundhogpeggy - Posted - 07/03/2025:  13:57:15

I admire drummers more every time I try to play a drum...lol.

gapbob - Posted - 07/03/2025:  20:22:12

For me, drumming is harder than fiddling, the rhythm I make with a fiddle has notes to cover it up. Drumming/percussion is a very hard thing to do—not including drum circles in that.

So drum circles needs to be way down the list.

Kazoos haven't been addressed, but a well-played kazoo can be delightful at times.

Edited by - gapbob on 07/03/2025 20:23:24

wrench13 - Posted - 07/04/2025:  04:18:39

J/K, right?

martyjoe - Posted - 07/04/2025:  04:26:18

I think the so musical saw deserves a place especially around Halloween.

The Violin Beautiful - Posted - 07/04/2025:  04:34:29

quote:

---

Originally posted by martyjoe

I think the so musical saw deserves a place especially around Halloween.

---

As part of a Hallloween-themed recital I gave in my senior year of high school, my close friend and fiddle teacher accompanied me on the saw as I played Devil's Dream. It was a lot of fun and it brought down the house. 

farmerjones - Posted - 07/04/2025:  05:50:22

And why do they give saw to folks with zero intonation?



And Egg shakers to them with dartboard timing?



Here's something for the middle of the pack: Bodran.

The Cores, Toss the Feather

Edited by - farmerjones on 07/04/2025 05:53:11

NCnotes - Posted - 07/04/2025:  07:18:56

Steve, I learned “Toss the Feathers” from that video…Let me just say, those Corrs are just unfairly gorgeous...

( And yep, nice Bodhran solo ! )

martyjoe - Posted - 07/04/2025:  10:13:23

The bodhran solo was probably the best bit of that. There is a couple of bodhran players in Mullingar that if they’re in a session when I walk in, I just turn around and go straight home! They had a negative reaction when I once suggested that they should play their bodhran with razor blades :-)

martyjoe - Posted - 07/04/2025:  10:34:45

I was just thinking. I don’t recall ever coming across ‘Toss The Feathers’ at a session anywhere. It sounds deceivingly simple but I’d say it’s a tricky one to get to flow.

wrench13 - Posted - 07/04/2025:  17:39:12

List coming along nicely!  

Add your opinion on the List of Hierarchy! But you must also say why and comment on the players. Ease of playing? Intelligence needed to play?





1. Fiddle - Queen of Music! The hardest, most rewarding pastime for man ever created. Players are the creme of Humanity! Fiddlers get a free pass at the Pearly Gates (unless they are Red Sox fans).



1b. Bagpipes - Bill sez Bane of Scotland gets a pass cuz of difficulty playing. I say players usually too drunk to read sheet music! Skirt-wearing, haggis eating louts! Whats with Scots and bladders, anyway?



. 2 - Mandolin - According to some, cheesy knock off of fiddle, played by wimpy folks who have no hand strength. Low brow types love to play this.

.  3 -Guitar - Where would we be without the guitar?  SOMEONE must know the key, right?   Why does every pimply faced prepubescent believe that owning one of these will make their dismal social lives 180 degrees better?  Thank goodness it only has 6 strings, any more and players ears would leak what little brains they have out their ears.  In fact, a device called a CAPO was invented because guitar players are just too stupid to learn the fretboard.  

.

. 5 - Trumpet - instrument designed for the loud and obnoxious who just don't care. Trumpet players don't care about expressing emotions and they don't care about their neighbors either. Moreover, they don't care for excessive drooling while playing the trumpet or their disgusting habit to let the drool out of their trumpet every now and then. That's to say: IF it's only drool coming out! Intelligence: not required - everything is done with just 3 'pistons' and it basically all depends on your lung capacity.

. 6 - Trombone - the goofiest instrument. Trombones make up 96% of all stupid comedic cartoon and Foley noises. WAaahhh WAaahhh. Players practice by hoisting cheap booze, to build up that right arm. And develop that goofiness!

. 7- Banjo - Mr Craven has taken this slot with his rude but accurate wording!

.

. 9 - Bass - Thank God for bass players, or equipment would never get packed up at the end of a gig. While the lead guitar, fiddle and banjo players are all well on their way home, with the paramour de jour, bass players wonder where their life choices went wrong. Players can be spotted by their overdeveloped arm and hand muscles.

. 10 - Concertina - Easily the silliest instrument ever made. Players look like they are having some kind of fit. Concertinas take the intelligence of a squirrel to play and an ice pick in the ears to listen to.

.

. 12 - Piano - Really? My freakin parrot can play piano! Until the advent of the electronic keyboard, piano players were the neurotic posterchildren of the orchestra, so lonely, tied to that ridiculous piece of furniture. With keyboards, now everyone can hate them. Best thing that can be said about pianos - they look good with a vase on them.

. 13 - HurdyGurdy - Come on, is this even a real instrument? Supposedly the real impetus for Nobel to invent dynamite. Players are locked into historical period when the Black Death was considered socially amusing, and have matching sense of humor.

. 14 DiggeryDoo - Only the Aussies would have an instrument that you basically fart into - continuously, so I suppose there is SOME skill involved. For those who can't fart 24/7 there is always #15 !

. 15 - French horn - So minor an instrument, a loud fart could cover its parts. Players hopeful someone will offer them a gig flipping burgers. Are players actually people or some fungal life.

. 16 - Melodica - Only slightly less stigmatizing then the piano,  this one is both noisemaker and respirator in one!  Players soon become cross eyed from trying to see the stupid keyboard, which is good, because it lets the rest of know to sit on the other side of the bus. 

.

. 871- Musical Saw - Only saving grace is that this is played with a bow, just like every right thinking instrument should be.   Other than that, this is better put to work building dog sheds and feeding troughs. The players kid themselves that this is an actual instrument, but we know better:  They and their hand tools are not the sharpest members of the tool box. 

. 936 - Kazoo - The thinking man's fart machine. Instrument of choice for the totally talentless.

.

.

. 1638 - Washtub Bass - created by that particularly grubby group known as bass players, who rarely see soap and water, hence the availability of the tub. Thank Heavens there is only one string on it, more would totally confuse them. Players can be spotted by that one, lone tooth in their heads (Ol' Chomper) and general vacant look in the eyes.

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. 1750 - Shakey Egg - The instrument most often given to jealous wives and husbands, so they can feel like they are musicians too. My cat makes better music rattling the Kibble&Bits in her food dish. Guiness Book of World Records has a slot open for ANY shakey egg player that gets paid to play. Still open as of 7/1/25.

. 1751 - Cat Food Bag - Leave it to the Farmer to come up with an instrument thats actually BETTER then drums! At least you can cover your head in shame after playing one. Jonesy, you gotta get out more!



. 1752 - Drums, percussion etc etc - scraping the bottom of the barrel, its well known there are more drum/percussion jokes then all others combined. Literally newborn babies can play drums ( and hold tempo better then most drummers). For crying out loud, INSECTS keep better time. An insult to call them musicians (and most don't).

. 1766 - Bodhran - Low fidelity, poor mans percussion box.  They sound more like a stick hitting a flappy piece of wet papertowel then any drum. Players known to have some of the worst sense of timing, even among the tempo impaired.  Suggestions that the bodhran be played with razor blades are not uncommon.



FEEL FREE to add you own!

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