Trumpet: instrument designed for the loud and obnoxious who just don't care. Trumpet players don't care about expressing emotions and they don't care about their neighbours either. Moreover, they don't care for excessive drooling while playing the trumpet or their disgusting habit to let the drool out of their trumpet every now and then. That's to say: IF it's only drool coming out! Intelligence: not required - everything is done with just 3 'pistons' and it basically all depends on your lung capacity.

I heard this years ago:

"It is not very far from playing old-time music to not being able to play at all."

Back in the “old days,” Herman Weaver, whenever asked about working on anything other than a violin family instrument, would always say “Sorry, we only work on musical instruments here!”

List coming along nicely!  

Add your opinion on the List of Hierarchy! But you must also say why and comment on the players. Ease of playing? Intelligence needed to play?


1. Fiddle - Queen of Music! The hardest, most rewarding pastime for man ever created. Players are the creme of Humanity! Fiddlers get a free pass at the Pearly Gates (unless they are Red Sox fans).

1b. Bagpipes - Bill sez Bane of Scotland gets a pass cuz of difficulty playing. I say players usually too drunk to read sheet music! Skirt-wearing, haggis eating louts! Whats with Scots and bladders, anyway?

. 2 - Mandolin - According to some, cheesy knock off of fiddle, played by wimpy folks who have no hand strength. Low brow types love to play this.
.  3 -Guitar - Where would we be without the guitar?  SOMEONE must know the key, right?   Why does every pimply faced prepubescent believe that owning one of these will make their dismal social lives 180 degrees better?  Thank goodness it only has 6 strings, any more and players ears would leak what little brains they have out their ears.  In fact, a device called a CAPO was invented because guitar players are just too stupid to learn the fretboard.  
.
. 5 - Trumpet - instrument designed for the loud and obnoxious who just don't care. Trumpet players don't care about expressing emotions and they don't care about their neighbors either. Moreover, they don't care for excessive drooling while playing the trumpet or their disgusting habit to let the drool out of their trumpet every now and then. That's to say: IF it's only drool coming out! Intelligence: not required - everything is done with just 3 'pistons' and it basically all depends on your lung capacity.
. 6 - Trombone - the goofiest instrument. Trombones make up 96% of all stupid comedic cartoon and Foley noises. WAaahhh WAaahhh. Players practice by hoisting cheap booze, to build up that right arm. And develop that goofiness!
. 7- Banjo - Mr Craven has taken this slot with his rude but accurate wording!
.
. 9 - Bass - Thank God for bass players, or equipment would never get packed up at the end of a gig. While the lead guitar, fiddle and banjo players are all well on their way home, with the paramour de jour, bass players wonder where their life choices went wrong. Players can be spotted by their overdeveloped arm and hand muscles.
. 10 - Concertina - Easily the silliest instrument ever made. Players look like they are having some kind of fit. Concertinas take the intelligence of a squirrel to play and an ice pick in the ears to listen to.
.
. 12 - Piano - Really? My freakin parrot can play piano! Until the advent of the electronic keyboard, piano players were the neurotic posterchildren of the orchestra, so lonely, tied to that ridiculous piece of furniture. With keyboards, now everyone can hate them. Best thing that can be said about pianos - they look good with a vase on them.
. 13 - HurdyGurdy - Come on, is this even a real instrument? Supposedly the real impetus for Nobel to invent dynamite. Players are locked into historical period when the Black Death was considered socially amusing, and have matching sense of humor.
. 14 DiggeryDoo - Only the Aussies would have an instrument that you basically fart into - continuously, so I suppose there is SOME skill involved. For those who can't fart 24/7 there is always #15 !
. 15 - French horn - So minor an instrument, a loud fart could cover its parts. Players hopeful someone will offer them a gig flipping burgers. Are players actually people or some fungal life.
. 16 - Melodica - Only slightly less stigmatizing then the piano,  this one is both noisemaker and respirator in one!  Players soon become cross eyed from trying to see the stupid keyboard, which is good, because it lets the rest of know to sit on the other side of the bus. 
.
.
. 936 - Kazoo - The thinking man's fart machine. Instrument of choice for the totally talentless.
.
.
. 1638 - Washtub Bass - created by that particularly grubby group known as bass players, who rarely see soap and water, hence the availability of the tub. Thank Heavens there is only one string on it, more would totally confuse them. Players can be spotted by that one, lone tooth in their heads (Ol' Chomper) and general vacant look in the eyes.
.
.
. 1750 - Shakey Egg - The instrument most often given to jealous wives and husbands, so they can feel like they are musicians too. My cat makes better music rattling the Kibble&Bits in her food dish. Guiness Book of World Records has a slot open for ANY shakey egg player that gets paid to play. Still open as of 7/1/25.
. 1751 - Cat Food Bag - Leave it to the Farmer to come up with an instrument thats actually BETTER then drums! At least you can cover your head in shame after playing one. Jonesy, you gotta get out more!

. 1752 - Drums, percussion etc etc - scraping the bottom of the barrel, its well known there are more drum/percussion jokes then all others combined. Literally newborn babies can play drums ( and hold tempo better then most drummers). For crying out loud, INSECTS keep better time. An insult to call them musicians (and most don't).

FEEL FREE to add you own!

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One instrument that I haven't enjoyed is the "stumpf fiddle," or maybe it was a "jingling Johnny." We used to play in a club where a local fellow would come up (probably uninvited) and join us for a tune or two on this thing.
I guess this list is meant to be in good fun, but I just have to say that some of the best musicians I've known were drummers, and they often played other instruments well too. Good bass players and drummers are the absolute foundation of many styles of music.

I admire drummers more every time I try to play a drum...lol.

For me, drumming is harder than fiddling, the rhythm I make with a fiddle has notes to cover it up. Drumming/percussion is a very hard thing to do—not including drum circles in that.

So drum circles needs to be way down the list.

Kazoos haven't been addressed, but a well-played kazoo can be delightful at times.

J/K, right?

I think the so musical saw deserves a place especially around Halloween.

quote:

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Originally posted by martyjoe

I think the so musical saw deserves a place especially around Halloween.

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As part of a Hallloween-themed recital I gave in my senior year of high school, my close friend and fiddle teacher accompanied me on the saw as I played Devil's Dream. It was a lot of fun and it brought down the house. 

And why do they give saw to folks with zero intonation?

And Egg shakers to them with dartboard timing?

Here's something for the middle of the pack: Bodran.

The Cores, Toss the Feather

Steve, I learned “Toss the Feathers” from that video…Let me just say, those Corrs are just unfairly gorgeous...
( And yep, nice Bodhran solo ! )

The bodhran solo was probably the best bit of that. There is a couple of bodhran players in Mullingar that if they’re in a session when I walk in, I just turn around and go straight home! They had a negative reaction when I once suggested that they should play their bodhran with razor blades :-)

I was just thinking. I don’t recall ever coming across ‘Toss The Feathers’ at a session anywhere. It sounds deceivingly simple but I’d say it’s a tricky one to get to flow.

List coming along nicely!  

Add your opinion on the List of Hierarchy! But you must also say why and comment on the players. Ease of playing? Intelligence needed to play?


1. Fiddle - Queen of Music! The hardest, most rewarding pastime for man ever created. Players are the creme of Humanity! Fiddlers get a free pass at the Pearly Gates (unless they are Red Sox fans).

1b. Bagpipes - Bill sez Bane of Scotland gets a pass cuz of difficulty playing. I say players usually too drunk to read sheet music! Skirt-wearing, haggis eating louts! Whats with Scots and bladders, anyway?

. 2 - Mandolin - According to some, cheesy knock off of fiddle, played by wimpy folks who have no hand strength. Low brow types love to play this.
.  3 -Guitar - Where would we be without the guitar?  SOMEONE must know the key, right?   Why does every pimply faced prepubescent believe that owning one of these will make their dismal social lives 180 degrees better?  Thank goodness it only has 6 strings, any more and players ears would leak what little brains they have out their ears.  In fact, a device called a CAPO was invented because guitar players are just too stupid to learn the fretboard.  
.
. 5 - Trumpet - instrument designed for the loud and obnoxious who just don't care. Trumpet players don't care about expressing emotions and they don't care about their neighbors either. Moreover, they don't care for excessive drooling while playing the trumpet or their disgusting habit to let the drool out of their trumpet every now and then. That's to say: IF it's only drool coming out! Intelligence: not required - everything is done with just 3 'pistons' and it basically all depends on your lung capacity.
. 6 - Trombone - the goofiest instrument. Trombones make up 96% of all stupid comedic cartoon and Foley noises. WAaahhh WAaahhh. Players practice by hoisting cheap booze, to build up that right arm. And develop that goofiness!
. 7- Banjo - Mr Craven has taken this slot with his rude but accurate wording!
.
. 9 - Bass - Thank God for bass players, or equipment would never get packed up at the end of a gig. While the lead guitar, fiddle and banjo players are all well on their way home, with the paramour de jour, bass players wonder where their life choices went wrong. Players can be spotted by their overdeveloped arm and hand muscles.
. 10 - Concertina - Easily the silliest instrument ever made. Players look like they are having some kind of fit. Concertinas take the intelligence of a squirrel to play and an ice pick in the ears to listen to.
.
. 12 - Piano - Really? My freakin parrot can play piano! Until the advent of the electronic keyboard, piano players were the neurotic posterchildren of the orchestra, so lonely, tied to that ridiculous piece of furniture. With keyboards, now everyone can hate them. Best thing that can be said about pianos - they look good with a vase on them.
. 13 - HurdyGurdy - Come on, is this even a real instrument? Supposedly the real impetus for Nobel to invent dynamite. Players are locked into historical period when the Black Death was considered socially amusing, and have matching sense of humor.
. 14 DiggeryDoo - Only the Aussies would have an instrument that you basically fart into - continuously, so I suppose there is SOME skill involved. For those who can't fart 24/7 there is always #15 !
. 15 - French horn - So minor an instrument, a loud fart could cover its parts. Players hopeful someone will offer them a gig flipping burgers. Are players actually people or some fungal life.
. 16 - Melodica - Only slightly less stigmatizing then the piano,  this one is both noisemaker and respirator in one!  Players soon become cross eyed from trying to see the stupid keyboard, which is good, because it lets the rest of know to sit on the other side of the bus. 
.
. 871- Musical Saw - Only saving grace is that this is played with a bow, just like every right thinking instrument should be.   Other than that, this is better put to work building dog sheds and feeding troughs. The players kid themselves that this is an actual instrument, but we know better:  They and their hand tools are not the sharpest members of the tool box. 
. 936 - Kazoo - The thinking man's fart machine. Instrument of choice for the totally talentless.
.
.
. 1638 - Washtub Bass - created by that particularly grubby group known as bass players, who rarely see soap and water, hence the availability of the tub. Thank Heavens there is only one string on it, more would totally confuse them. Players can be spotted by that one, lone tooth in their heads (Ol' Chomper) and general vacant look in the eyes.
.
.
. 1750 - Shakey Egg - The instrument most often given to jealous wives and husbands, so they can feel like they are musicians too. My cat makes better music rattling the Kibble&Bits in her food dish. Guiness Book of World Records has a slot open for ANY shakey egg player that gets paid to play. Still open as of 7/1/25.
. 1751 - Cat Food Bag - Leave it to the Farmer to come up with an instrument thats actually BETTER then drums! At least you can cover your head in shame after playing one. Jonesy, you gotta get out more!

. 1752 - Drums, percussion etc etc - scraping the bottom of the barrel, its well known there are more drum/percussion jokes then all others combined. Literally newborn babies can play drums ( and hold tempo better then most drummers). For crying out loud, INSECTS keep better time. An insult to call them musicians (and most don't).

. 1766 - Bodhran - Low fidelity, poor mans percussion box.  They sound more like a stick hitting a flappy piece of wet papertowel then any drum. Players known to have some of the worst sense of timing, even among the tempo impaired.  Suggestions that the bodhran be played with razor blades are not uncommon.

FEEL FREE to add you own!

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Well oddly enough I opened up YouTube tonight to find something interesting to watch...ain't nothin' ever on the tv...lol...and the first video in my feed was everything to make anyone's heart glad...lol...sort of a combo hurdy gurdy-guitar...or really I think the video called it a mandolin...ok...looks/sounds like a guitar to me...but regardless...I would love to set up a guitar like this and get the hurdy gurdy bug outta my system while playing guitar. Neat how they used a flatpick to mute the top strings for a while and then let loose with them. This really is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard...and interesting inventions I've ever seen. youtu.be/gT88vv28jdQ?si=a-HnU0dXxYbb3VNr